Baphomet’s Used Christian Lot

Come buy our cheap used Tepid Christians!

Baphomet’s Used Christian Lot

Welcome to my used Christian lot, where we promise the best prices in Hell. We have so many models to choose from down here that we need to unload them quickly. We are having a fire sale on these used Chrisitans. So many of them have come down to Hell recently that we can’t keep up with them all. 

Look at this model here. He’s an older model. We found him in a dusty old church where he had been locked up and forgotten for years. Look at his feet though: like brand new and never used. He’s a great find. We cleaned off all those cobwebs and found that his heart never once turned over. We don’t know how he survived in that dusty old church for so long, but he’s yours if you come down now and pick him up for a devilishly low price. 

I have another model over here! She’s got some wear and tear, but it was mostly from complaining about everything. We promise she never got involved and did anything. We found her in a poisoned church, so you know that she’s quite special and while she’s used, she’s going to fetch a pretty penny. You’ll enjoy taking her out around town because she’s the kind of hag everyone wants to hate. You’ll definitely have to watch out for your jealous neighbors!

No, don’t turn away yet. I have so many cheap models. These all had tepid passion. They got fired up about nothing. If they heard a good sermon, they would yawn. If Christ (that sham) showed up in front of them, they would walk away. These were the best pew sitters–only came to church out of obligation. When they heard Moloch was trying to eat their children, they cheered. When Ishtar turned all their children trans, they threw gender-reveal parties for their adult children. When Baal took over their government, they went out and voted for him. The tepid passion on these models is like a sweet fermentation. When you buy one of these models, you’ll get a dependable Christian, but it won’t go as far as the complainer. They break down easily. But that’s why they are so cheap. We have so many now, I’m selling them, buy one, get one free. 

Come on down. We have a used Christian for any demon or devil. Millions are arriving every day at Baphomet’s Used Christian Lot. 

Copyright © 2023 by David Rice